In a troubling new development, science has discovered that most Americans don’t believe in science. To prevent this social contagion from spreading, pro-science activists are demanding that friends denounce their science-denying friends to save themselves — and their nation — from anti-truth pseudo-scientists.
“One way we know which science is real is that real science is always changing,” Dr. Fauci, 79, the top US infectious disease expert, told ABC News on Wednesday. “For instance, we knew in January 2020 that everyone has mucosa in the nose, mouth, and ear canal that must be protected from coronavirus. But we didn’t know you also have mucosa in the eye until this week.”
Fauci said his informal scientific recommendation now is to continue wearing cloth masks, blindfolds, and inexpensive noise-canceling headphones manufactured in China, but also to wear swim goggles to the grocery store.
“If you encounter anyone not wearing goggles, text ‘H8’ to 1984 and a team of activists will be dispatched to defend you against anti-science fascists, evolution deniers, heretics, bullies, fake doctors, and anyone else whose magical thinking denies the scientific method,” Fauci said.
To elevate black lives, Fauci said the nationwide team of pro-science activists is fully inclusive, and comprised of brown bodies wearing distinctive brown shirts with a readily-identifiable insignia.
“We’re going to show up wherever we have to show up,” said Fauci. “So if you see anybody without goggles in a restaurant, in a department store, at a gasoline station, you get out and you create a crowd of pro-science activists, and you push back on them. And you tell them they’re not welcome anymore, anywhere.”
Fauci also patiently explained that another way we know which scientists are real is by the words they use.
“Real scientists use the word ‘theoretically’ on a regular basis, because we know that we don’t know things,” he said. “Theoretically, you should protect all the mucosal surfaces on your body. So if you have goggles or an eye shield you should use it. Or else.”