Mayor moons cops, says he’ll start throwing bricks to ‘Keep Portland Weird’

PORTLAND, Ore. (ABC News) — The mayor of Portland, Oregon, who was tear-gassed by U.S. government agents as he mooned police outside a federal courthouse last night, said he’ll jump up and down and show his tits if the bad, bad, men don’t leave the peaceful arsonists alone.

“My third-grade teacher always said when peaceful Americans get tear-gassed for trying to burn down a courthouse then it’s time to do something,” said Mayor Ted Wheeler (D), a 57-year-old who was raised in Portland and attended local public schools. “My parents and teachers taught me to keep Portland weird.”

According to President Trump, federal agents almost certainly didn’t know Wheeler was in the crowd, because “they’d have shot him with rubber bullets instead of tear gas if they’d recognized his ass.”

Wheeler was jeered by demonstrators for not showing his boobs, but redeemed himself by shouting “Black Lives Matter” and twerking at police.

“If federal agents don’t immediately leave the city, I’ll have to start throwing bricks or Molotov cocktails,” Wheeler said. “Trump has deepened the country’s political divide caused a constitutional crisis.”

Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

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