A scientist at France’s Ministry of Higher Education, Research, and Innovation has identified the one, single, day in history that no homo sapiens were involved in the smoking of psychedelic toad venom.
The discovery came today, when a story in Agence France-Presse caused the hair on Dr. Ivanka Laterrible’s neck to float in mid-air. Pulling up R, the custom relational database that stores 2 million years’ worth of psychohistorical metadata, the venom expert ran a few lines of code.
A single value remained after searching 730 million hours of data: May 31, 445 AD, was the only contiguous 24 hours in history when no human smoked any amount of psychedelic toad venom, and that day also happened to be the day the Vandal king Genseric sacked Rome after killing Emperor Petronius Maximus — who had recently assassinated Emperor Valentinian III and forced his widow, Licinia Eudoxia, to marry him — while hundreds of miles away Atilla the Hun murdered his co-ruler, Bleda, and began a profound reign of terror that stretched from Asia across to modern-day France and through the Danube Valley and was so profound that his name is synonymous with terror in the year 2020.
“Our database model provides 99% probability that people have smoked psychedelic toad venom on every day in recorded history, except that day 1,575 years ago,” said Dr. Laterrible. “But sure, most of the Vandals and Huns were likely in a trance-like state caused by excessive consumption of a cocktail of alcohol, hallucinogenic mushrooms, and bog myrtle, and people all over Asia, Africa, Australia and North and South America were doing all sorts of other drugs. But toad venom? No.”
History is lit.