“After what happened to George Floyd, my first recommendation is for every mayor to immediately abolish their police force and proactively burn down all their precinct buildings.” — Minneapolis Mayor Jacob Frey
Minneapolis, Minn. — Mayor Jacob Frey is offering to share his strategies for civil unrest with mayors throughout America, according to SacBrie international roving reporter Robert Goodman, who traveled from North Korea to Minneapolis for an interview.
“After what happened to George Floyd, my first recommendation is for every mayor to immediately abolish their police force and proactively burn down all their precinct buildings,” Frey said.
“If we all just do this one simple thing,” Frey said, “there will be no more unjustified violence or death in America, giving us the time and space to rebuild our law enforcement on a non-racist foundation where every officer is a person of color.”
“Giving ourselves space dovetails nicely with my second recommendation, which is to follow the ‘Baltimore Strategy’ of allowing the people to have the ‘space’ to express their concerns,” Frey said matter of factly. “More than 99% of residents are already sheltering in place, so the best course of action is to do nothing while the 1% makes their feelings known.”
Goodman reported that all the looted and burned-out Minneapolis buildings were in commercial areas, a fact which should give the public confidence that Frey’s strategy will keep them safe in their private suburban homes.
“Finally — and Minnesota National Guard Colonel Pritchard Halverson concurs on this — is that residents who do respectfully choose to violate my lawful lockdown orders should maintain safe social distancing,” Frey said.
“That means if one team of patriots is liberating the contents of Target, the next group should safely cross the street and salvage the hardware store,” said Col. Halverson. “That’s just good, common sense tactics.”
Frey said that retail outlets relieved of their products could participate in his civil unrest program by honoring the warranty on any non-functioning or faulty merchandise obtained during the peaceful demonstrations.
The Guard will do its part by providing security to local police as they hand out non-allergenic gloves, face masks, and disinfectant wipes to justice warriors who are risking their health during the pandemic to remove large quantities of justice electronics to a safe location.
“Let’s honor George Floyd’s memory as a nation of mayors by keeping everyone safe as they flatten the curve of merchandise-related infections,” the mayor concluded. “And remind all your residents that the streets will once again be safe when everyone agrees that Trump is a racist.”