Profile: Oligarchs of the Late-Stage Republic

As the Republic moves into the second decade of the 21st century, our soldiers are coming home from endless foreign wars, small farmers and landowning classes are dwindling to numbers dangerously low for a Democracy, and wealthy technocrats are buying up private businesses from struggling families and filling them with vast numbers of imported low-wage immigrants.

But three leaders are vigorously guiding us through the crisis of an unprecedented Late-Stage Republic never before seen in history, and the Sacramento Brie proudly offers these Profiles in Courage for readers who will truly appreciate their significance.

Crassus Sulzberger, the oldest of the three most famous oligarchs, made his fortune in the fire-fighting business. His wage-slave firefighters were distributed in big cities throughout the country and trained to run toward structural fires that usually broke out when anonymous sources “leaked” Greek Fire inside institutions Crassus didn’t like.

Crassus would order his firefighters to allow the all-consuming incendiary substance to permeate the institution, and then, instead of putting the fire out, offer to buy the institution at a fire-sale price.

“That’s a nice structure you have there,” the firefighter would say. “It would be a pity to see it totally destroyed. How much do you want for it? Because, after all, it is on fire.”

When the owner agreed to sell out to Crassus, the firefighters would extinguish the blaze, either with barrels of ink or by ignoring it until it was starved of oxygen.

Then Crassus would rebuild the structure in his own image and sell it to the highest bidder. In this way, the entire infrastructure of the Republic was slowly replaced with owners loyal to Crassus and his firefighters, paving the way to Empire.

Scipio BillGatus Africanus wasn’t always the savior of Africa, but he liked it better than waging war on lesser oligarchs-in-training, whom he described as “yellow-bellied mouth-breathers who gobbled up everything in the ecosystem like Pac-Man.”

He received the appellation “Africanus” only after retiring from the digital military and saving Africa from itself. “Oligarchs have long used the idea of ‘population control‘ as a euphemism for colonialism and racism,” Scipio told Africa, “but unlike those other oligarchs before me, I’ll give you millions of dollars to control your own incessant breeding and, furthermore, we won’t have to do to you what we did to Carthage.”

An obscure Roman senator named Cunial called for Scipio to be investigated by the International Criminal Court, but Crassus Sulzberger loaned Scipio some of his firefighters and Cunial retracted the statement before her office caught fire.

Scipio’s work showed the way to a whole class of Oligarch Philanthropists who would rise up to rule not only the deploraplebes, but also the entire North American Empire.

Gaius el Jeffius Bezosius was the son of a Macedonian content farmer who had moved to the Republic to provide a better life for his family.

As a “novus Democritus homo,” or new Democratic man, he invented an entirely new way of selling content to the deploraplebes of the Republic. He nursed the new business into a commercial empire, joined Crassus Sulzberger in the fire-fighting business, and eventually became the richest man on Planet Earth.

Bezosius, sensing political and popular frustration, began to present himself as blunt, honest, and personally flawed, and yet lacking the corrupt motives that drove the inept and aristocratic elites.

He built an army from low-class workers and robots who — unlike previous legions that were loyal to the country — were personally loyal to him.

This seemingly simple act had vast social repercussions and ultimately led the Republic to fall and an Empire, ruled by dictators, to take its place. Bezosius became known as the Third Founder of America.

Forward! To Empire!

Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

3 thoughts

    1. Thanks. This one was bouncing around in my head all day after listening to 2 hours of The History of Rome last night. I appreciate you taking off your jacket and staying awhile. Just don’t take off your toga.


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