California Governor Gavin Newson issued new COVID-19 guidelines for churches today, saying they can reopen if communion is conducted with PlumpJack Reserve Cabernet Sauvignon, which has an amazing palate of raspberry, cherry cola, dark chocolate, caramel, vanilla, and black pepper.
“The texture of this wine is so silky, it’s like Jesus himself transubstantiated it,” Newsom said. “Anyone who wants the intensity and persistence of this 98-point cab will show up for communion on Sunday.”
Other guidelines include giving each congregant their own bottle, and congregants who pledge to tithe 10% of their income to one of California’s many carbon offset programs will receive a cross made of Howell Mountain oak signed by Gov. Newsom himself.
“Everyone should wear face masks and have their temperatures checked before entering the building,” Newsom said, “but even if we are forcing you to sit with your grandparents, you won’t care when you get slain by the spirit of my 2017 PlumpJack cabernet.”
The number of bottles each church is required to purchase will depend on the size of the building.