Since the portrait of the first President in history to illegally use American spy agencies against his successor will not be unveiled at the White House, Disney Havana is honoring Barack Obama’s legacy with a “Curious Labyrinth” that will take visitors through every major achievement of the Most Transparent Administration in History.
Geared toward children and low-information American voters on vacation in the Communist paradise, the maze is several miles long and starts with Barack’s early years. At “Muslim Madrasa”, visitors are encouraged to kneel and pray toward Mecca before moving on to “Raised by Communists” and “Hangin’ with the Choom Gang.”
Two stops in the maze — “Accident at Occidental” and “Columbia Mystery Man” — are under allegedly construction, but Disney said the First Secretary of the Central Committee of the Communist Party, Raul Castro, would not allow them to confirm or deny their existence.
Instead, a detour takes visitors to “Harvard Law”, where they are allowed by teenage members of the National Revolutionary Police Force to pause for several seconds to see every law review paper written by Constitutional Scholar Obama.
A large sign above the Harvard display says “That’s Not Who He Was” and a flashing red arrow orders people to move on toward “Community Agitating” and “Palling Around with Communist Domestic Terrorists.”
At this point in the labyrinth, parents can leave their children with Disney Havana staff and let them explore the exciting “Weather Underground” and “Pentagon Bombing”, while the adults move on to “Rezko Shady Land Deal”, “Exposing Sealed Divorce Records”, and “Coming Out with Bill Ayers.”
There’s a brief stop at “Squandering $100M with the Annenberg Challege” before the maze enters Obama’s presidential years with exhibits on “IRS Targeting”, “GunRunning to Cartels”, “Spying on Journalists”, “You Can Keep Your Doctor”, “Not Who We Are”, “Not a Smidgeon”, “¿Que bolá Cuba?”, “Pallets of Cash for Mullahs”, and “Spying on Political Opponents.”
Visitors are physically and mentally exhausted by the end of the tour, often displaying psychological effects commonly seen in the victims of Communist interrogations, so Disney Havana has thoughtfully created a relaxing atmosphere at “The Commencement.”
As children are treated to Cuban churros and shaved ice, parents are plied with famous drinks like the Havana Cooler, the El Presidente, and the Culto a la Vida, as everyone watches an animatronic Obama desperately trying to save his legacy.
Update: “Now” was changed to “not” because “The Most Transparent Correction Policy in History.”