SOMEWHERE OVER THE ARCTIC SEA (Associated Press) — The Bering Air Cessna Grand Caravan crossed the international date line into the Eastern Hemisphere. Some asshole right-wing reporter had commandeered the window seat when we boarded, so I was stuck next to the aisle wishing it was me looking out into the Arctic storm.
Bering Air is the only carrier in western Alaska with clearance to fly across the international date line into Russia, and somewhere out there, a secret Russian spy base was pulling the earth’s north magnetic pole out of Canada and into Siberia.
“You know, Huey, scientists say it’s negative magnetic flow,” said the asshole.
“So you believe the Macedonian Times story about underground blobs of energy?” I asked. “No one’s ever seen anything like that before. But we have seen plenty of Russian collusion. They’ve destabilized Moldova, poisoned arms dealers in Bulgaria, tried a coup in Montenegro. And that doesn’t even include getting Trump elected and trying to burn down California.”
There was a winner-take-all struggle going on, alright, but my sources at the Obama Alumni Association had told me it wasn’t hiding miles underground at the boundary between the earth’s core and mantle.
“The operation is being run by Unit 29155,” former CIA chief John Brennan had told me. “An elite Russian intelligence team skilled in political subversion, sabotage, assassination, and geomagnetic field manipulation.”
Rep. Adam Schiff, also in the briefing with Brennan, said Unit 29155 had finally succeeded in pulling the magnetic pole into Siberia in 2017.
“And in 2019, geologists were forced to publish a new World Magnetic Model a year early,” Schiff said. “That changed everything from airplane navigation to the GPS on smartphones. We have to get the magnetic pole back.”
No one knows when and where the Russian operatives will strike next, but no matter the danger, I have my own mission. The mainstream American media cannot — and will not — let Putin get away with stealing the magnetic pole.
