Biden says he wouldn’t pardon a ham sandwich if elected president

Former Vice President Joe Biden said Thursday that, if elected president, he would not pardon a ham sandwich if it colluded with Donald Trump to destroy the rule of law in America.

The answer came during a virtual MSNBC townhall meeting, when a citizen asked Biden if he would “pull a Gerald Ford” and pardon Donald Trump “under the pretense of healing the nation.”

“I wouldn’t pardon a ham sandwich,” Biden said, revealing a ham sandwich his wife had made him for lunch. “I know ham sandwiches, I served with ham sandwiches, and if Robert Mueller can indict a ham sandwich there’s no way I’m pardoning any ham sandwich that prostitutes the Department of Justice without having the last name of Clinton, McCabe, Comey, Strzok, Rice, Clapper, Brennan, Power, Obama, or Biden.”

MSNBC presented the townhall amidst questions whether Biden knew anything at all when, in waning days of the Obama administration, the FBI launched a counterintelligence investigation of Gen. Michael Flynn.

“I was never a part or had any knowledge of any criminal investigation into Flynn while I was in office, period,” Biden said, wiping a blob of Russian dressing from his chin with his sleeve. “Not one single time.”

Correction: Because the definition of “is” is still a question that has never been answered after lo, these many years, we take the seriousness of the charge very seriously indeed when one of our layers and layers of fact-checking editors purposely leaves out the word “at” in an effort to make MSNBC look bad. We regret the error.

Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

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