A series of mysterious cosmic space-time distortions have been nuzzling the nape of Earth’s neck for years, according to sensitive instruments of the Gargantuan Interfering Gamin Observatory (GIGO) located at 620 Eighth Avenue, New York, NY 10018, but researchers insist they don’t know where these bursts of unwanted affection come from.
“The bursts have been regular for the last 40 years, but last only 1,400 milliseconds on average, barely time for our cameras to register them,” said lead astronomer Dean Baquet. “At least until Nov. 3, 2020, we’re going with the theory that they’re either a blip in the GIGO detectors or evidence that there’s at least one alternate universe in which Trump loses the election.”
If it is another universe, Baquet says, it’s the same as ours but only in overall appearance.
“At the micro-level, movements like #MeToo never happened and Joe Biden is Gangster of Love for life,” Baquet said.
“Our detectors are so sensitive we can feel this alternate universe closing in from behind,” Baquet said, almost sensuously. “Leaning in. Inhaling the Earth’s scent. Urging us to come over to the … Or maybe it’s just a glitch.”
