Bob Woodward orders solar-powered spinning casket with upgraded rotation controller

Veteran reporter Bob Woodward, who helped break the Watergate story that brought down President Nixon, has ordered a spinning casket so he can go to his grave full in the knowledge that his beloved newspaper is not only on the wrong side of history, but that the Washington Post aided and abetted President Obama in carrying out the biggest corruption scandal in the history of American presidential scandals.

“I went with the Skid Mount Spinning Casket because it has the upgraded drum rotation controller that will allow me to spin for longer at higher RPM’s,” Woodward said. “Plus, it’s available as a solar-powered electric model that will keep spinning even when the planet runs out of fossil fuels.”

Woodward ordered the casket after newly-released documents show that former President Barack Obama was the first president in history to mount a coup against his successor, and to do it using false information provided by agents of hostile foreign governments and publicized by the press.

“I had to make it a rush order after Attorney General William Barr dropped the Department of Justice’s charges against retired Gen. Michael Flynn,” Woodward said. “I get why the Post wanted the coup in the first place, but when the chickens come home you have to make a place for them to roost or they’ll just sh*t all over your yard.”

Carl Bernstein questioned his colleague’s choice of burial accoutrements, saying there’s “no way in hell” he’s ordering a spinning casket.

“The question for the press, and all Americans, is not whether we are at the mercy of a delusional, unstable media,” Bernstein said. “But whether the press can finally obtain transcripts proving that Trump colluded with Russia and undermined national security for personal and political gain.”

Bernstein also said he has added his name to the letter by Protect Democracy and supports Barack Obama’s contention that AG Barr is presiding over an “appalling chapter” in the politicization of the nation’s top law enforcement agency.

“My reporting indicates that Barack Obama did not instruct the FBI to get Flynn fired as a first necessary step in the coup against Trump, and the FBI under Comey did not violate every protocol in the book to pursue Flynn,” Bernstein said.

“Flynn lied to the FBI, and FBI agents never admitted that Flynn didn’t lie nor did they alter the case record of Flynn’s interview, so the FBI perjury trap and threats against Flynn’s son were totally justified,” Bernstein continued. “Flynn pleaded guilty. End of story. Even if the DOJ found massive FBI corruption and malfeasance in the Carter Page FISA case, and the Flynn case — and I’m not saying they did — there is no precedent for letting someone go scot-free for perjury.”

“This is an appalling chapter in the politicization of the nation’s top law enforcement agency,” Bernstein concluded.

Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

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