Moscow (Reuters) — As the COVID-19 pandemic circles the globe, the World Health Organization says a new strain of the insidious coronavirus has evolved in the Russian Federation.
“A field team in Moscow has seen several new symptoms of the virus emerging,” reports roving international reporter Robert Goodman, currently reporting from the Chernobyl Institute of Virology.
“We’ve been observing a strain of the virus that affects only medical personnel,” WHO Dr. Dee Fleck told told Goodman on Tuesday from a phone booth in an undisclosed location. “More specifically, medical doctors who utter critical statements about the state and its leaders.”
In addition to high fever, dry cough, and loss of appetite and smell, the virus causes doctors to become so confused that they fall out of open windows in multi-story hospital buildings.
“This week alone, three confused doctors have died unnecessarily from falling accidents,” said Colonel Haddenov of the Federation Security Services. “President Putin has issued guidance to be on the lookout for these new symptoms, and medical personnel should report anyone so authorities can protect them and others.”
The Kremlin also advised that it would be issuing new face masks for doctors exhibiting this unfortunate symptom. The new face masks are made entirely of plastic and are bound tightly to the face making speaking, as well as breathing, difficult.
Dr. Fleck concluded that this new symptom was a result of U.S. President Donald Trump’s decision to blame China for the spread of the deadly CCP Wuhan coronavirus. When pressed to explain her conclusion, she hastily hung-up the call muttering something about seeing something out the window of her office.