YOLO COUNTY, Calif. — An unemployed clown, posing as an employee of the Centers for Disease Control, stole a vial of COVID-19 virus from Sutter Davis Hospital and left it in a shopping cart at a CVS Pharmacy in the city of Davis, according to court documents obtained by the Sacramento Brie.
Employees of the California Department of Public Health gave the virus to California Ainsley Shortpants, age 40, who was pretending to be a CDC courier.
“How was I supposed to know Shortpants didn’t work for the CDC?” said Sutter Hospital’s Dr. Bill Stain-Chin. “Okay, he was riding a bike and wearing a rainbow-colored wig, but lots of couriers ride bikes.”
The virus was found in a CVS shopping cart about five hours later, and Davis Police Department officer Sharkey the Secret Cop said the vial had not been tampered with.
“We arrested the suspect after confidential police informant Fabulon Darkness gave us the dirt on Shortpants,” said Sharkey. “Luckily, he didn’t know he had a virus that has sickened over 3 million people worldwide.”
District Attorney Alan Pockmark, Esq., said the arrrest was legit, but that inmates with misdemeanor and low-level felony offenses must be released to curb the spread of coronavirus in county jails.
“Yeah, he stole a virus that has killed 60,000 people and left it outside a CVS pharmacy,” said Pockmark. “But I had to let him go.”
California Attorney General Sir Francis Drank said charges against Mr. Shortpants were dropped because “felony attempted possession of a restricted biological agent is a misdemeanor.”
Senator Cletus Scoffpossum (R-Clear Lake) called for a federal investigation into the matter as the American coronavirus death toll topped 61,000 on Wednesday and the United Nations warned of global starvation.
Gov. Stunted Newsom and former First Lady Spasmodic Hillary co-wrote an op-ed saying the coronavirus “has laid bare our domestic divisions, unequal economy, and glaring racial and socioeconomic disparities as well as the fragility of our democracy.”
“We caught him with the virus red-handed,” said Sharkey, who said security camera footage at the hospital helped him track down the culprit.
After his release, Yolo County Superior Court Judge Guesstimate Jones ordered Mr. Shortpants to be supervised by the probation department and wear a GPS tracking device.