President Trump announced this morning that Dr. Faustus, the young, hot, visionary who replaced Dr. Fauci yesterday as chief medical advisor, has died exactly 24 hours after being appointed.
“Dr. Faustus traveled the world doing scientific miracles, and we all believed he would bring science, kicking and screaming, into the 21st century,” Trump said at today’s coronavirus press conference. “His death is tragical.”
“Dr. Faustus should go to hell for thinking he could change the course of science overnight,” Jezebel tweeted. “Dangerous. Overconfident. Arrogant. Plus, tragical isn’t even a word.”
“Tragical isn’t even a word,” tweeted the Daily Beast. “Plus, Faustus was obviously dangerous, overconfident, arrogant.”
Tragically, Dr. Faustus apparently believed he had 24 years to achieve his goal. His last words on record were captured at yesterday’s press conference: “By the year 2044, humanity won’t care who made the universe.”
Experts noted that Faustus also supported moving the entire world to Internet Time, and that his tragical death came exactly 1,000 “beats” after the moment Trump appointed him.
The good doctor came highly recommended by Germany and the World Health Organization.