Update: Dr. Faustus died today, exactly 24 hours after being appointed by President Trump. Our editors agree with the website Jezebel, which tweeted that “Faustus should go to hell for thinking he could change the course of science overnight.”
In a bold break with the stale old scientific past, President Trump has appointed the young, hot, and visionary Dr. Georg Faustus to replace Dr. Anthony Fauci as chief medical advisor during the COVID-19 crisis.
“Dr. Faustus is a well-respected German scholar who has helped entire cities escape the plague, and cured thousands of desperate sicknesses,” Trump said at today’s coronavirus press conference.
“As I said yesterday, America is officially and finally sick of the ‘charter of negative liberties’ that says what the federal government can’t do to you,” Trump continued. “And Dr. Faustus has convinced me that America is also tired of the limits of traditional forms of knowledge like logic, medicine, law, and religion. Dr. Fauci, you’re fired.”
Dr. Faustus eased toward the microphone, smiling, and patted Dr. Fauci on the shoulder.
“My colleague Anthony Fauci has been a dependable fixture at the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases since 1984,” Faustus began. “But there is a greater miracle than his sweet tradition of computer models and analytics. Under my leadership the scientific community will say goodbye to the old economy.”
“By the year 2044, humanity won’t care who made the universe,” Dr. Faustus concluded.
The good doctor comes highly recommended by German Chancellor Angela Merkel, the Mephistopheles Institute of Wertenberg, and the World Health Organization.