News reports smuggled out of North Korea say the country’s leader Kim Jong Un is alive and well thanks to Doraemon, a robot cat from the 22nd century who provided a cure from the Future Department Store.
“We almost had him killed when he materialized in the clinic,” said Chief of the North Korean military Gen. Pak Jong-chon. “But then he pulled the vial of medicine from a four-dimensional pouch on his waist.”
The report also says Gen. Pak almost had the cat killed a second time when he realized it was a capitalist robot from the future.
News of the miracle cure is being suppressed in favor of a narrative that Kim died while undergoing heart surgery but is now Un-dead and leading an army to reunify North and South Korea.
Less credible rumors say the Communist dictator was injured slightly while personally firing a cruise missile sometime before the Day of the Sun celebration that commemorates the birth of regime founder Kim Il Sung.