The Pyongyang Citizen Re-Education Media Center has confirmed that North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has died from complications following a botched heart surgery to correct a blocked artery.
Unfortunately, as Chief of the General Staff Gen. Pak Jong-chon awaited confirmation from Kim’s sister on how best to execute doctors responsible for the botched surgery, the Communist dictator’s corpse re-animated and demanded the death of his horse and the entire Korean People’s Army.
“Kim also demanded a Taco Bell Chalupa while attempting to attack former staffers with respiratory ventilator tube,” international correspondent Robert Goodman reported from the demilitarized zone between North and South Korea.
“The hard-drinking, cigar-smoking and overweight dictator was known not to be in the best physical condition, but he’s in better shape now that he’s Kim Jong Undead,” Goodman said.
After becoming Undead, Kim initially staggered clumsily around the basement of the state mortuary alternating between growling, groaning and demanding the punishment of “running dog imperial lackeys” working to undermine his authority.
However, he recovered quickly and is now leading 1.2 million undead KPA soldiers toward South Korea, with 600,000 reservists awaiting execution.
The Republic of South Korea’s armed forces are on full alert, but has only 600,000 active personnel and generals aren’t yet willing to commit 3 million reserves.
Correction: An earlier version of this story contained an incorrect spelling of Kim Jong Undead’s name. We know he won’t forgive us, but our correction policy is the most transparent in media history so we’re issuing it anyway.