LANSING, MI — Just a few hours after Trump threatened another plague unless a loosely-allied group of state and local tyrants lets his people go, Michigan Pharaoh Gretchen Whitmer called his bluff.
“Bismillah! No! We will not let them go,” Whitmer said firmly after Trump reportedly cried “Let my people go!” and threw a MAGA hat to the ground, which miraculously transformed into a Big Mac, which he then ate.
“We will not let them go,” Whitmer repeated several more times as Lead Magician and Temple Musician Brian May allegedly turned pink women’s rights hats into vegan milkshakes and blamed the coronavirus on people who eat meat.
“Never let them go!” Whitmer said again. “Never, never, never, never let them go. Oh oh oh oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no!”
The Sacramento Brie attempted to fact-check the claim that Trump then turned Lake Erie into blood, loosed a herd of frogs named Pepe across the land, and called on locusts to eat everybody’s crops. But if America’s Newspaper of Record said it happened then who are we to dispute the reporting?