Lobbyists for Big Laundry are reportedly afraid of being sued by customers who don’t take their clothes off before ironing, and are asking Congress to order warning labels for dangerous new irons that can maim or even kill those who misuse them.
“When used correctly, a high wattage iron is capable of achieving 400 degrees Fahrenheit,” said Big Laundry spokeswoman Harmonie Emmeren. “When used incorrectly, a 400-degree iron can melt a polyester blend dress shirt to your husband’s torso.”
“The health and safety of our customers is more important than anything, especially in these trying times of world pandemic,” said Emmeren, who has been quarantined in her office suites near Capitol Hill for a week. “If a new warning label can prevent one woman from permanently maiming her man, I’ll feel like my career has been worthwhile.”
Emmeren said she tried to get the new safety regulation written into the $2 trillion coronavirus stimulus bill.
“I told Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) that steam can be much hotter than boiling water, and a jet of steam from a modern iron can literally peel the flesh off your body,” Emmeren said. “But Cruz mansplained to me that his wife knows better than that and the amendment was rejected.”
Emmeren said she won’t give up the fight just because Republicans want people to die.
“Imagine your kid wants to play in the snow but his wind-resistant fleece facemask needs to be ironed,” she said. “A blast of 400-degree steam to his face could kill him if our label didn’t warn you about that.”