Los Angeles Mayor Eric Garcetti spoke to residents today, reassuring the city of nearly 4 million that he will do everything in his power to defeat Covid-19 and get back to ignoring the spread of typhus as soon as possible.
“Some of you know that when we had fires recently, I was talking about how quick people should just get out of the house,” Garcetti said.
His sign-language translator signed that he should repeat the sentence “because I thought we were talking about coronavirus,” but Garcetti plowed ahead.
“Today it’s kind of the opposite message. Instead of getting out of the house, we’re asking you to stay in,” Garcetti said.
“And, speaking out of both sides of my my mouth, I also want you to know that last week we said guns were evil and no one should own them. Today we’ve declared that guns are essential until we decide that guns are evil again, which should happen after we get back to ignoring typhus.”
“But let me go off script for a moment, because I know some people are praying for hope and change and saying the economy will be restarted in a couple weeks,” Garcetti said. “But we have to be straightforward and honest, and say, ‘No we can’t.'”
Garcetti also uttered profundities like “the only exceptions are the only exceptions” when describing his “Safer at Home” policy, before threatening to shut off power and water to any business that refuses to obey.
“I also want the City of Angels to know that bars will be allowed to deliver alcoholic beverages to the City Council as a means of stimulating business,” Garcetti said. “But only because I’ve cancelled City Council meetings until further notice.”