NORAD activates ‘TP Tracker’ satellite as tissue-hoarding bandits hijack supply trucks

The North American Aerospace Defense Command — famous for its Christmastime “Santa Tracker”– launched a new “TP Tracker” last week to track the safety and availability of toilet paper during the coronavirus national emergency.

The tracker is updated in real time from crowdsourced smartphone applications, FedEX and UPS delivery trucks, and inventory control data provided by retail outlets.

“Data is transmitted to NORAD via the Geosynchronous Toilet Paper Tracking Satellite, or GitPits as the enlisted Space Force members have fondly named it,” said Master Chief Petty Officer of Space Force Kevin Davis.

“GitPits tells people what locations are running out of bathroom tissue and, conversely, where they can go to find some,” said NORAD Commander General Terrence John O’Shaughnessy, who added that “due to conditions on the ground, I don’t recommend driving more than 100 miles for toilet paper unlesss it’s an emergency.”

MCPOSF Davis clarified that “conditions” include desperate tissue-hoarding mobs who are using the app to hijack trucks meant to resupply store shelves.

“American forces are responding with armed convoys to ensure the precious cargo gets through,” MCPOSF Davis said.

Even worse than highway robbery, DCNN reported that a recent GTPTS flyover of Brazil has discovered that the entire Brazilian rainforest has vanished to satisfy worldwide demand for toilet paper.

Rainforest expert Prunella Upton, interviewed tonight on DCNN, said the only solution to this crisis is constipation and dehydration.

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