Hi, I’m Gavin Newsom, and I’d like to give you some tips on wiping your ass because a significant percentage of California residents weren’t taught this skill as children. For that, I blame all of us. We can do better.
1) Don’t poop in the street. I know that sounds impossible to some of you, but I can’t believe your parents never told you that so knock if off and skip to Step 4.
2) If you have to poop in the street, don’t do it in front of Nancy Pelosi’s house. She’s kinda like my aunt. You may think you know how she is because she’s been lecturing you on TV for so many years, but let me tell you. You don’t have a clue, and I’m the one who’s gonna hear about it.
3) Steal some toilet paper, for God’s sake. The cops aren’t going to arrest you, and our new class of District Attorneys aren’t going to enforce laws against petty theft or public defecation because California’s quality of life is too important to all of us!
4) If you thought Step 4 would have detailed instructions, shame on you. What do you think I am, your nanny? Just wipe your ass and throw the used TP in a toilet. Do not reuse, and especially do not share. It’s not like a used needle.
(If you performed Step 2 and all trash cans in your vicinity are overflowing as usual, see Step 5; otherwise skip to Step 6.)
5) Walk over to the Mayor’s house with a bullhorn and 100 of your best activist friends and ask if you can use her facilities. I promise you won’t be arrested.
6) Wash your hands.
7) If you don’t know how to wash — and I get that, I really do, I’m the governor, remember? — first wet your hands with clean, running water. If no clean water is available, see Step 5; otherwise, proceed to Step 8.
8) Lather hands. For those of you who don’t speak English, that means “rub your hands together with soap.” Backs of your hands. Between fingers. Under nails. If no soap is available, see Step 5.
9) Scrub hands for at least 20 seconds (hum the Happy Birthday song from beginning to end 2x!). If you think that’s racist, I can’t be racist because I’m the governor of California so shut up and sing whatever gives you joy. But hurry up because someone else needs to use the gutter, too.
10) Rinse. Or see Step 5.
Editor’s Note: California Governor Gavin Newsom was generous enough to write this editorial for the Sacramento Brie after we expressed concern that homeless people defecating in the street could spread diseases including, but not limited to, the coronavirus. We urge all our readers to closely follow his instructions, because — after all — he is the governor.