Galactic bureaucrats order Vogon Bloomberg to give $327 trillion to American taxpayers, or else

A vaguely humanoid species employed by the galactic government’s bureaucrats is poised to erase the Earth unless the former Vogon Mayor of New York gives his entire fortune, estimated at $327 trillion, to individual Americans so their taxes can fund Green New Deal infrastructure.

Constant Mown, the Sub-Executive Vice Chamberlain for Dependencies and Director of Messengers of the Galactic Solicitor General’s Office, in a vaguely threatening tweet this week, said that “if America doesn’t want to save the planet 3 times, they deserve to have Earth replaced with a hyperspace bypass.”

Interviewing Mown on MSNBC’s “The Eleventh Hour with Brian Williams,” Brian Williams asked, “So you see it as a possibility that Bloomberg — if he really wanted to stop Climate Change — he could do it by giving $327 trillion to individual Americans so their taxes could fund Green New Deal infrastructure and he’d still have lunch money left over?”

“That’s an incredible way of putting it,” Mown replied. “But yes, it’s absolutely true and disturbing that Vogon Bloomberg could have done that. But instead, he spent it on universally horrifying campaign poetry.”

“That’s an incredible way of putting it, Constant,” Williams said. “And you’re also saying that every Democrat — with the exception of a handful of Asian Pacific Islanders — still refused to vote for him. Thanks for being with us tonight.”

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