‘It’s clobberin’ time!’ Joe Biden picks The Thing as running mate

In his first speech since Democrats made him their choice to beat Bernie Sanders, 3-time presidential candidate Joe Biden announced a mutant superhero as his running mate.

We owe these truths to be self-evident,” Biden said to a cheering, but slightly confused, Houston crowd. “All men and women created, by the — go, you know, you know The Thing!”

“Everyone knows The Thing,” said Ben Grimm, also known as The Thing, whose enormous rock-like physique towered behind Biden.

Also known for his humor, Grimm immediately told a joke. “Why that crummy rat!” he said, putting his arm around Biden. “He’s gotta be settin’ me up — fer a trap! ‘n’ if he thinks I’m gonna fall for it — he’s freakin’ right!”

Although his date of birth is not known, Benjamin Jacob “Ben” Grimm served as a test pilot for the Marine Corps in World War II, and is assumed to be older than Biden.

Like Biden, he had an early life of poverty and hardship. Born on New York City’s Lower East Side, his older brother Daniel was killed in a street gang fight when Ben was eight years old. Also like Biden, his youth shaped him into a tough, streetwise scrapper.

Grimm ended the press conference as only The Thing can: “Hey kiddies, do you know what time it is? It’s clobberin’ time!”

If the Biden/Thing ticket is elected, Grimm would be the first Jewish vice president in American history.

Other famous Jewish politicians in America:

  • First person of Jewish ancestry to run for President of the United States on a major party ticket: Barry Goldwater (1964). (Goldwater’s father was Jewish; Goldwater was raised Episcopalian.)
  • First Jewish candidate to receive an electoral vote for Vice President: Tonie Nathan of the Libertarian Party, from a faithless elector (1972).
  • First Jewish nominee for Vice President of the United States on a major party ticket, and first Jewish candidate to receive an electoral vote excluding faithless electors: Joe Lieberman (2000).
  • First Jewish American to win a U.S. presidential primary: Bernie Sanders, New Hampshire primary, (2016).

Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

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