In a thundering South Carolina speech that will be taught in political science classes for years to come, U.S. presidential candidate Senator Bernard Sanders (C-Vermont) condemned the ongoing colonialism of the United Nations in countries like Haiti and the Congo, and demanded that every American high school graduate receive a free medical tourism voucher to the Communist country of their choice.
“As the premier of the Democratic Socialist movement in America, I am upset, very upset, at U.N. imperialism that is led by the West,” Sanders said. “But I am more upset — if that is possible — at America’s educational system for denying the plain truth that even Communist countries have better universal healthcare than the U.S.”
When several members of the audience heckled Sanders, shouting that Communism had forcefully exerted its own influence over much of the Eastern and Western hemispheres, the candidate responded by shouting, “Really!? Really!? You are jerks, stooges, and lackeys of imperialism!!” before launching into a lengthy condemnation of authoritarian dictators.
“What I’ve said is what Barack Obama said, that Communist Cuba has made progress on healthcare and literacy, that Communist China has made more progress on poverty than any country in the history of civilization, and that the Communist Soviets made progress on transportation and ballet,” Sanders bellowed.
“But I have condemned authoritarianism everywhere and anywhere I see it. When dictators abuse their power, I speak truth to that power. When dictators use mass terror and purge their political parties, or falsely accuse innocent communists of espionage and sabotage, or unjustly execute class enemies after torturing them into making confessions, I condemn that. When dictators like Donald Trump irrationally deport entire nationality groups, I call that out. And after these things come to light, I applaud the release of thousands of political prisoners and the rehabilitation of thousands more who were murdered by those authoritarian dictators.”
“And when dictators do something good, you acknowledge that!” Sanders exclaimed. “And I will not condemn the collectivization of healthcare, farming, and education if it has unintended disastrous consequences. America is exceptional and we can make those programs work this time.”
Sanders admitted that he has a “complicated relationship” with America, but that should not prevent him from becoming president.
“I am a fervent believer in ‘small-s’ socialism, but it is not true that I want to eliminate capitalism,” Sanders said. “I prefer peaceful coexistence with capitalist countries, including the United States. Yes, my administration will spend $60 trillion, and that might be three times the entire U.S. economy, but talk to me after the speech and I’ll be happy to explain how that can work. The point is that socialism will bury you with a benevolent tsunami of tax dollars flooding out of Washington DC into every nook and cranny of oppressed America.”
He also proposed rebuilding the Berlin Wall, saying he was “opposed to some aspects of the Berlin Wall, but, you know, it’s simply unfair to say everything was bad.”
“We live on Earth not by God’s grace, but by the strength and wisdom of Democratic Socialism and all the people who fight for independence,” Sanders said to the “screaming throng of Bernie bros.”
“Barbed wire and machine guns? Maybe not so good,” Sanders said. “But it was a beautiful wall made of smooth concrete that was quite lovely. Most importantly, it kept out fascists. That’s a GOOD thing.”
“I’ve got news for the Republican establishment, and I’ve got news for the Democratic establishment,” Sanders summed up. “They can’t stop us. At the beginning of my presidency is the end of Western colonial slavery! Off with it, and bury it — the deeper the better!”
And then he put his shoe on the desk and banged it. The screaming thong of Bernie bros went wild.
Non-Correction Correction: In keeping with our industry-leading correction policy, we note an error — the “screaming thong of Bernie bros” — for our dear readers and leave the correction to your collective imagination farms.