The worldwide coronavirus outbreak, which has infected so-called “free” countries from South Korea to Italy, has somehow bypassed the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea.
“I would never praise a dictator,” presidential candidate Bernie Sanders (C-Vermont) said yesterday, “but it’s unfair to say everything is bad when North Korea has a 98% literacy rate and zero cases of coronavirus.”
The senator added that “International Socialism is just another word for the things the world does together” and that “the answer to staying disease-free appears to be eating kimchi, a traditional, seasoned side dish of salted and fermented vegetables.”
After he is elected president, Sanders said, his administration will order the new Ministry of Machine-Building Industry to sterilize all structures in the country three times a day before rebuilding them as part of the Green New Deal.
“We must stop the coronavirus before we stop climate change,” Sanders said. “Therefore, we must sterilize everything within three months and then upgrade every existing building in the United States within 10 years to achieve maximal safety and energy efficiency.”
International Socialist staff members of the Sanders campaign have been ordered to monitor their temperatures at least twice daily and wear sanitary N95-rated masks as a symbol of solidarity against the coronavirus, and Bernie’s personal campaign bus has been equipped with loudspeakers that will broadcast “Workers of the World, Unite!” and “Have You Eaten Your Kimchi Today?” as it travels throughout America.