Bernie prepares Financial Justice Warriors to proudly support a millionaire for president

At Friday’s presidential debate in New Hampshire, Senator Bernie Sanders urged all Financial Justice Warriors to proudly vote for whichever Democrat millionaire wins the nomination, and promised that his administration would give all children, rich or poor, an equal share of free college money.

“Fairness is what it means to be a Socialist, and you should proudly vote for anyone on this stage except billionaires using their ill-gotten gains to run for president,” Sanders said.

Billionaire Tom Steyer agreed that no Democrat should vote for him, but insisted that, as president, he would enact even better Socialist tax policies than Mr. Sanders has suggested.

“I know how corrosive money can be to a person’s sense of morality, and my tax policies would ensure more income equality than yours,” Steyer said, before moderators prohibited him from saying he would proudly vote for any Democrat regardless of net worth.

Senator Amy Klobuchar refused to say she’d vote for Steyer, but stung Sanders for his Socialist fairness. “I don’t think we should be sending hard earned taxpayer money to send wealthy kids to college which is exactly what their plans do,” Klobuchar said, referring to Sanders and Warren.

Mayor Pete Buttigieg, whose net worth is estimated at $100,000, said he is the only candidate who still lives a middle class lifestyle.

“It’s morally wrong to exclude any Democrat from the White House based on finances, sexual orientation, or skin color, etc.” Buttigieg said. “But I’m the only middle class gay person running for president, even though I wish I wasn’t white.”

Sanders tried to deny being white before Elizabeth Warren interrupted. “Yes, the first black president said at some point you’ve earned enough money, but we can’t go back to the politics of the past because we can’t suck up to billionaires and the best investment we can make as a nation is to invest billions in our children,” she said.

Businessman Andrew Yang said money isn’t the answer to human problems before offering to give every human in America $1,000 a month.

“The mission in this campaign has to be for us to disentangle economic value and human value,” Yang said. “This is not a money problem, fundamentally, this is a human problem. But everything happens on the government’s watch, so government must be responsible for everything.”

None of the candidates said they would support billionaire and former New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg, even though he’s the only candidate spending billions of his own fortune to do what everyone says is job one: Beat Trump before a billionaire gets a second term in the White House.

Editor’s note: Joe Biden is the only candidate not quoted in the article, but his slurred speech, coupled with thundering, defensive, incoherence made it difficult to determine what he was trying to say. We regret our hearing loss.

Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

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