Tehran (CNN) — Once upon a time, Gen. Qasem Soleimani was a boy scout in Iran, much like the boy scouts who sell cookies outside your local grocery store in America.
Softly-spoken, Soleimani came from humble beginnings, born as the secret love child of Mother Teresa and the last Shah of Iran on March 11, 1957.
Although he could never be acknowledged by either parent, things were looking good for the lad in 1968, when he graduated from the cub scouts, where the motto is “do your best.” As a senior scout, he took the Outdoors Code seriously, promising to be “careful with fire” and “conservation-minded.”
At 13, he traveled to the town of Kerman and got a construction job to help his adopted father pay back loans, but everything changed when his real father was overthrown by the Iranian Revolution on February 11, 1979.
Nevertheless, his scouting work ethic served him well when the Ayatollah Khomeini ordered him to reeducate every other boy scout in Iran. Only months later, just after graduating from high school, Soleimani commanded a unit in Iran’s war with Iraq in the 1980s.
He rose rapidly through the ranks of Iran’s Revolutionary Guards to become chief of the Quds Force, and went on to battle drug smugglers on the border with Afghanistan.
But his fate was sealed when he flew commercial to Baghdad to bring peace and the scouting ethic to the war-torn country of Iraq.
That’s when U.S. President Donald Trump murdered him with a multi-mission, medium-altitude, long-endurance remotely piloted MQ-9 Reaper drone armed with AGM-114 Hellfire missiles, which provide highly accurate, low-collateral damage, anti-armor and anti-personnel engagement capabilities.
Scouts everywhere mourn his loss.
Correction: Everything has been corrected in keeping with the most transparent correction policy in media today.