Seattle (AP) — The Seattle City Council will act as judge, jury, and executioner in President Trump’s impeachment trial, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said at a press conference held today.
“The Constitution demands fairness, and the Senate cannot guarantee that for the American people,” Pelosi said, announcing that the show trial will be held in front of Seattle’s 7-ton, 16-foot-tall bronze sculpture of Russian communist revolutionary Vladimir Lenin.
Pelosi’s daughter Christine said the family didn’t talk about impeachment during Christmas, but after 48 hours of quiet reflection they knew in their hearts that Trump had lost all support of the working class and the toiling masses of the people of the U.S.A.
Seattle council member Kshama Sawant said the Constitution “provides for a socialist alternative” if the Senate “refuses to conduct a fair show trial and convict a President who acted unconstitutionally,” adding that “the whole matter is in the top, therefore the top must be removed.”
Speaker Pelosi said the articles of impeachment will be amended before being sent to Seattle.
“So far we’ve decided to add ‘Trump’s bitter hatred toward the Democratic Socialist victories of our country’ and ‘Trump betrayed the vigilance of the working class and the masses of the toilers’,” Pelosi said, adding that “Trump sank definitively into the swamp of white nationalism” is under review.
Correction: An earlier version of this story omitted the facts that Nancy Pelosi’s impeachment is a literal “show trial” — in the best and only sense of the phrase — and Kshama Sawant is a literal Communist. Since the Sacramento Brie has the most transparent correction policy in the media today, we have purged our mistakes for you, dear reader.