Update: Trump administration officials have ruled that Santa’s trip is a yearly movement of animals, and the migration is protected under the Endangered Species Act. “I had to make a few last-minute changes, but America is back on the schedule,” Santa said. “Thanks to President Trump for making Christmas great again.”
North Pole (Reuters) — Santa Claus will be visiting every country except the United States this year, thanks to the U.S. regulations requiring travelers to have a REAL ID.
“I went to the Fairbanks DMV and they said I needed at least one of eleven different forms of personal identification,” Santa said. “They threw me out of the office when I pointed out that Santa hasn’t needed proof of ID for more than 1,900 years.”
Mrs. Claus said the last government to ask Santa for ID was the Roman Empire under Caligula.
“And we all know what happened to him,” said Mrs. Claus. “I don’t care if he was the son of a great military leader, you don’t disrespect Santa like that.”
Santa denied participating in the assassination, but he did say that if anyone deserved it Caligula did.
“You probably didn’t know he was so hairy that he made it a capital offense to mention a goat in his presence, did you?” Santa said. “Or that he once deleted 33,000 stone tablets inscribed with details of his yoga exploits — even after the Senate issued a subpoena for all records of his administration.”
Santa also said times have changed since A.D. 41, so this year he won’t be putting any government officials on the extreme naughtiness list.
“Apparently, I’m the only undocumented person who can’t get into the U.S.” Santa said. “So I’m just skipping America until the crazy years are over.”
