Washington, DC (AP) — Two “lone wolves” identified as domestic terrorists loosely associated with the Phineas & Ferb Priesthood were arrested during a botched attack on a “Botox Party” allegedly scheduled to occur on the House Floor in the early morning hours of Saturday, Dec. 21.
“The United States Capitol Police apprehended two suspects near a snack shop outside the Samuel Adams wing of the Library of Congress just after midnight,” said police spokesman Maj. Francis Monogram. “There is absolutely no evidence that a ‘Botox Party’ was being held on the House Floor.”
At the time of their arrest, the 11- and 12-year-old suspects, who have not been named, were carrying functional light sabers and several thousand Post-It Notes containing the hand-written URL of their Facebook manifesto.
The manifesto blames “the evil cosmetic surgeon Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz” and others for “causing our leaders to become vain and frivolous,” especially during “times of national angst like the Trump administration,” and “no one is safe from ridicule, or worse, from antagonistic voters back home.”
“Dr. Doofenshmirtz has brought ridicule and mockery on the politicians everyone once idolized,” says the manifesto written by “the domestic terrorist group your mother always warned you about.”
“Thanks to him, the fat removed from around Nancy Pelosi’s eyes make it look like she has two sets of eyebrows,” says the manifesto. “She’s due for another neck lift, and she’s become vain about the lines and wrinkles caused by all the time spent at high altitudes in her private jet. Doofenshmirtz must pay.”
“The suspects are in custody on charges of making terroristic threats, possession of illegal weapons, and intent to do gross bodily harm,” said Maj. Monogram, who added that their manifesto has been removed from Facebook for “coordinating harm.”
Police are still on the lookout for a possible third suspect, which the manifesto referred to as “Perry the Jihadi Platypus.”