Appomattox, Virginia (MSNBC) — Virginia Governor Ralph “Coonman” Northam activated the National Guard today after the self-proclaimed Grandma Militia, armed with huge automatic weapon-style products, seized the Appomattox County Courthouse.
“We’ve laid siege to the courthouse, and battlefield intelligence units indicate the ladies may be using grandsons as human shields,”said Maj. Gen. Timothy P. Williams, Adjutant General of the Virginia Guard.
“The grandmothers have vowed to hold the historic building until Gov. Northam denounces totalitarian groups that are demanding a ban on Nerf guns,” said. Gen. Williams.
Sources inside the courthouse say the grandmas have gone further, declaring Appomattox County a “Nerf sanctuary” and vowing to oppose any efforts to “unconstitutionally restrict” the right to bear Nerf guns.
County officials expressed solidarity with the Grandma Militia, saying local law enforcement would “refuse to enforce any unconstitutional law.”
One member of the militia, who said her callsign is “Hostess with the Mostest,” tweeted the words “Molon Labe” accompanied by an obviously photoshopped picture of Gov. Northam as a blackface Klan member.
Fact-checkers at the Sacramento Brie determined that the photo is mostly false because Northam has officially declined to say which racist and offensive costume he prefers.