Livermore, Calif. (NBC) — In a bold scientific alternative to impeachment, a skunkworks project at the Lawrence Livermore National Laboratories is attempting to remove the color orange from the visible light spectrum.
Most scientists agree with the goal, saying it will fundamentally repudiate President Trump’s very identity. Skeptics say the attempt will fail, at best, and at worst will harm vulnerable members of the non color-blind community.
“Unfortunately simply removing that one color from the spectrum will not remove orange,” said astro-radiologist Jeffrey Varasano. “Orange is just energy in a certain range in a uniform spectrum that triggers three retinal pigments differently, and the range at around 625 nanometers triggers them in a way that people with similar pigment reactivity [the non color-blind community] commonly agree to call orange.”
The project has been under way for several months and predates Varasano’s criticism about inclusion, according to officials at Livermore.
An early attempt eliminated wavelengths of 620 to 650 nanometers, causing the entire spectrum to shrink. “We were happy that AM Talk Radio was suddenly excluded from the universe,” said one physicist close to the project who requested anonymity. “But we’re not sure what other unintended consequences may have occurred, and we certainly didn’t intend to exclude people who aren’t color blind.”
In another early accident, Livermore’s chair of scientific ethics, Clair Kiernan, said “the team removed the color closest to wavelength 666 from the spectrum, which erased fundamental christianism from existence.”
Work on the project was suddenly halted, according to Kevin Davis of Old RF Guy Spectrometry whose contract was cancelled yesterday.
“I thought it was going well, but the accounting department called me last night with the cancellation,” Davis said. “Apparently, the final straw was the discovery that any attempt to remove the color orange from the spectrum only made it stronger and wider.”
According to lexicographer of color Dan Collins, the English word “orange” did not exist until about 1300 AD. “It’s not a well-known fact, but the word ‘orange’ in English refers to the fruit, and the color was only named after the fruit became known to the English-speaking world,” said Collins.
Paleobotanist Mark Huegerich, whose laboratory is adjacent to Livermore, said the physics project was an obvious failure, but not all hope is lost because work is underway to genetically engineer oranges that aren’t orange.
“Anti-Trump botanists believe that if they can reverse engineer the word ‘orange’ out of existence, they can eliminate a major source of his power,” said Huegerich.
Correction: A previous version of this article attributed the history of the color orange to paleobotanist Mark Huegerich instead of lexicographer of color Dan Collins. We regret the error, but stand by the rest of our facts.