Washington, DC (Reuters) — The Democratic Party has announced an historic early nomination of Joe Biden for president after he brought a fake severed head of Donald Trump to the impeachment proceedings last week.
“This isn’t your mother’s Democratic Party,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, adding that she “unconditionally” endorses Mr. Biden. “Joe has become increasingly combative in recent weeks, which is exactly what this Party needs to win.”
Sources say the Party almost nominated Biden on several occasions, the first only days after he fondly recalled facing down razor-toting gang members.
“I knew my campaign was over when I imagined Joe kicking Putin out of the Ukraine armed only with a six-foot length of chain,” said Kamala Harris.
Biden’s gravitas among Democrats has only grown since then. He has bitten his wife’s hand in public, called an elderly voter a “damned liar,” and bragged that school children used to love stroking his leg hair.
“All that was impressive enough,” said Beto O’Rourke, the first candidate to fall under Biden’s prodigious campaign machine. “But Trump’s head has to be his pièce de résistance. Joe is like a Spartan warrior of old who pledged to come home with his shield or on it.”
“We are pleased to see Mr. Biden take the gloves off,” CNN said in a statement. “We are also reconsidering Kathy Griffin for our 2019 New Year’s Eve broadcast, but have made no decisions at this point.”