Aztlan, U.S.A. (Associated Press) — Planned Parenthood held a massive rally in front of the U.S. Capitol building today to celebrate not committing the largest child sacrifice in human history.
“We didn’t do it!” proclaimed president Cecile Richards to the cheering crowd, raising her fists in triumph.
President Richards organized the rally after reading that experts uncovered the skeletal remains of 250 children at what is likely the world’s largest child-sacrifice site, and that climate change was responsible.
“This is the biggest site where the remains of sacrificed children have been found,” the excavation’s chief archaeologist said about the site in Huanchaco, Peru, which was home to the Chimú culture (1200-1400), and predates the Inca Empire. “There isn’t another like it anywhere else in the world.”
The children were reportedly sacrificed to honor the Chimú gods. Experts say the children were sacrificed in relation to an “El Niño” event. They were killed during wet weather and buried facing the sea.
“We’re upset that Christopher Columbus didn’t do it, but we’re also pleased that the myth of Planned Parenthood’s ritual child sacrifices can finally be blamed on climate change,” Richards told the crowd.