Comeback: Beto serves country with pay-per-view psychotherapy sessions

Less than 24 hours after dropping out of the 2020 presidential campaign, Robert “Beto” O’Rourke (D-Texas), has announced that his “service to the country” will start with livestreaming his psychotherapy sessions.

“Some of our best and brightest voices have asked me to serve by running for the Senate, and that day may come,” O’Rourke said. “For now, I’m just Citizen Zero blazing the trail toward Mental Health for All.”

The truth of his floundering campaign was difficult to accept, Beto told the press yesterday, but what drove him to psychotherapy livestreaming was the realization that Americans don’t want to get rid of guns or churches.

“After hours of reflection, it occurred to me — just as it did to Eric Holder — that only repetitive, intense, brainwashing can help our youth see how wrong the Founders were about freedom of so-called religion and protecting themselves against so-called tyranny,” O’Rourke told the therapist at his first session.

“Hell yes, we’re still going to take away your guns, but my service to the nation will be to help our youth reject and overcome their fears about the road to serving people like me.”

Outside his counselor’s recording studio, O’Rourke supporters gathered to watch the first session on a big-screen TV. When the Sacramento Brie news team arrived to document the scene, the last remaining O’Rourke staffer asked that we stop and be “respectful” because the volunteers “are very vulnerable right now.”

“Go,” said the giant televised face of Beto to the gathered crowd. “Let me save you.”

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