America’s newspaper of record alleged yesterday that “ABC News Airs Authentic Footage Of 164-Foot-Tall Godzilla Rampaging Through Syria.”
Since these are the crazy years, someone must hold our media masters accountable to the truth. So the Sacramento Brie plumbed its vast archives for evidence, and even sent its investigative team to Syria.
What we discovered is that the Babylon Bee is not only refusing to speak truth to power as mandated by the Society of Professional Journalists, but is viciously attacking the international community with knowingly-false reporting.
Although our team did not actually see the so-called “King of Monsters” in Syria, massive elongated, four-clawed, footprints discovered in the area prove beyond doubt that a 164-foot-tall animal that stands on two legs did attack civilians.
Many buildings had been destroyed with what appeared to be a giant tail with a ridged underside that ends with a pointed tip, suggesting that whatever creature did this utterly lacks moral agency.
The Bee claimed that “Godzilla appeared again and destroyed [the experts] with his atomic breath.” However, our experts found no evidence of an atomic radiation heat beam that would have been generated from inside Godzilla’s body if Godzilla was actually responsible for the attack.
Our instruments did record an unusual lack of the element with an atomic number of 8 — which humans call “oxygen” — so it is likely that the Bee’s account of American troops counterattacking with a weapon known as an “Oxygen Destroyer” is true.
In our judgment, the creature that wrought such terrible destruction was the Queen of Monsters, Transzilla, a transgender female prehistoric sea monster whose signature weapon is not an unstoppable force of atomic breath, but an immovable object known as “resting bitch face.”
Verdict: The Sacramento Brie rates the original claim “mostly true.” But misgendering — even when the victim is an amphibian superpredator with no natural enemies — must be punished by any means necessary. So we recommend the immediate deplatforming of the Babylon Bee for crimes against journalism and the international transgender community.