The National Basketball Association, which has earned universal praise for championing causes that don’t impact its income, says it will force vendors to hawk menstrual products to fans of all genders as a way of saving face in the geopolitical firestorm it ignited by groveling for Communist Party dollars.
Conservatives pounced, saying Beijing and Hong Kong rank among the worst cities in the world for people who identify as bisexual, gay, lesbian, transgender, queer, or all of the above.
The league countered by noting that more than 300 million people play basketball in Communist China, and at least 20% of them wear Nike basketball shoes produced by child factory workers.
“The NBA is an intersectional force that brings people of all genders together, and we value our non-binary Maoist fans just as much as the capitalist reactionaries in Hong Kong,” said a statement by the league.
Democrat candidate for president Beto O’Rourke threatened to cancel the Communist Party’s tax-exempt status if President Xi doesn’t change his stance on gay marriage, but said he draws a “firm red line in the sand” regarding the production of athletic shoes.
“There can be no reward, no benefit, no tax break, for any organization that denies full human and civil rights of every single one of us,” O’Rourke said. “I’ll use the full power of the Presidency to oppress anyone except Nike who infringes anyone’s human rights.”
Congresswoman Ilhan Omar (D-MN) asked O’Rourke if his inclusive oppression would apply to traditional Islamic mosques that deny gay marriage.
“No,” said Beto. “What do you think I am, a bigot?”
The NBA says authorized salespersons will be required to use preferred customer pronouns and politely deliver tampons to buyers instead of throwing them across the stadium like a bag of peanuts.
Update: After protests by Cultural Marxists, the NBA has issued another statement: “We now realize how offensive it is to sell feminine health products, even at cost. Free tampons will be provided to all fans, regardless of gender.”
Update: After protests by the Chinese Communist Party, the NBA will no longer sell or provide free tampons to fans in China. The league released a statement: “We now realize how offensive it is to assume the gender of any Chinese basketball fan. Tampon vending machines are available in the restrooms.”