Swedish teenage climate activist Greta Thunberg has embarked on a speaking tour of America aboard a replica of the boat used by famed explorers Meriweather Lewis and William Clark.
“The schedule is challenging because Greta could be dead from climate change before she reaches the Pacific,” said expedition leader Mårten Thorslund. “But we’re committed because, as you know, we don’t have time to fly her across the country.”
“You may have stolen my childhood, but I will not go back to school on the other side of the ocean until I have crossed North America just like people did before they ruined the climate,” Greta said as she boarded the keelboat at Harper’s Ferry.
A who’s who of fellow climate travelers will man the oars that propel the barge at an average speed of 16 knots (13.8 mph). The tour is expected to take at least two years.
“I’ve been wanting to put my frontier experience to real-world use since Revenant hit theaters,” said Leonardo DiCaprio. “I’m suspending every other project I have for the next two years because Greta’s cause is so important.”
Gwyneth Paltrow said she will row for a few hundred miles but can’t commit to the full expedition.
“I believe in climate change 100 percent,” said Paltrow, who juggles mothering, movies, and a multi-million dollar wellness corporation. “But there’s nothing more important than selling Goop to women who may or may not have vaginas.”
Don Cheadle, Robert Redford, Norman Lear, Bill Nye, and 37 other celebrities are undergoing strict physical training that will enable them to endure the early 19th century hardships that await all of humanity if climate change doesn’t cause the total extinction of our species.