Biden campaign fires entire staff of fluffers as fundraising tanks

Joe Biden’s presidential campaign has laid off its entire staff of fluffers after fundraising efforts spun into a death spiral in September.

“Our fundraising is down by 30%,” said campaign manager Greg Schultz. “We just can’t afford a staff of fluffers in every state to keep him pushing hard toward the nomination.”

Fluffers in Iowa and New Hampshire were hardest hit, Schultz said, because statistics show they’d done more fluffing than anyone.

“But we can’t ignore the fact that operations are looking very flaccid,” Schultz said. “Unfortunately, the layoffs came just as relentless news of Hunter’s financial naughtiness is demanding more fluffing than usual.”

A source close to the Biden camp said negotiations are underway with CNN to get Brian Stelter’s staff of fluffers as a campaign donation. But the rumor remains unsubstantiated, and the Sacramento Brie would never report such a thing even if it were true.

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