Democrats: Global suicide epidemic to end in 5 years

Update: Two hours ago, Democrats were committed to ending the suicide epidemic in 12 years. Now Harvard University is saying we only have 5 years left, and you’re an immoral monster if you can sit down to dinner with your kids and not tell them that millions are going to die from Climate Change.

New York (AP) — Two people have killed themselves in the time it took you to click through to this article and read the first paragraph, says the United Nations, and more than half of the world’s 1.5 million violent deaths every year are suicides.

Elizabeth Warren has a plan to end the epidemic by 2030, but so does every other Democrat candidate for president.

“All the campaigns have agreed to tell people not to kill themselves yet because Climate Change will get them in 12 years if we don’t get their vote in 2020,” said DNC Chairman Tom Perez, who insists the plan isn’t a cynical ploy to weaponize the fear of death.

“Only fear mongers would say Democrats are taking advantage of man-made thanatophobia,” said Perez, expertly inserting the clinical term for “fear of death” into the narrative. “More people kill themselves in Guyana and North Korea than any other country, and Democrats have nothing to do with that.”

The groundbreaking U.N. report says the top 5 most suicide-prone countries are Guyana, North Korea, South Korea, Sri Lanka, and Lithuania.

“Suicide affects more people each year than wars and natural disasters,” said Warren. “But if we don’t stop the climate catastrophe now, it will be the largest suicide in the history of human civilization.”

Joe Biden noted that the most common method of suicide globally is pesticide poisoning, and that suicide is highest among the elderly and is the second leading cause of death for 15-29 year-olds.

“If America wants to remain a world power, we must stop poisoning the world with pesticides and carbon dioxide,” Biden said. “We have to restrict access to these dangerous chemicals or everyone will die in 12 years.”

“Only 28 countries have a national action plan to combat suicide,” said Biden, who is leading in the polls. “If America doesn’t tell people not to kill themselves until 2030, who will?”

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