Bret Stephens, the token conservative columnist at the New York Times, has won the Grey Lady’s inaugural Sarah Jeong NYT White Male Castration Lottery.
“White people have stopped breeding, and you’ll all go extinct soon, but that’s not good enough,” Jeong said, opening the ceremony by raising a pair of high-quality bloodless castration pliers triumphantly over her head.
“Oh man it’s kind of sick how much joy I get out of being cruel to old white men,” Jeong said as Stephens was led onto the stage in front of the entire newsroom staff. “White men are bullshit groveling goblins who can’t take even the most benign criticism without asserting their bullshit privilege.”
Although the lottery was supposed to be random, there is some speculation that Stephens was targeted by the Editorial Board for his “furious” response to George Washington University Professor David Karpf, who called him a “bedbug” on Twitter.
Offered some last words before being snipped, Stephens said being called a “bedbug” was “dehumanizing and totally unacceptable.”
“Using dehumanizing rhetoric like bedbugs or analogizing people to insects is always wrong,” Stephens said. “We can do better, and I’m proud to stand with Sarah and the Times in our brave quest to silence online trolls who attempt to discredit and undo the vital work of journalists who report on the most toxic communities on the internet.”
Jeong then quickly carried out the sentence and opened the floor to questions from reporters.
“Why Bret?” asked one intrepid journalist.
Women and reproductive rights editor Lauren Kelly fielded the question.
“We chose the best quality, heavy duty, stainless steel, rust resistant set of castration pliers we could find,” Kelly said. “Bret’s testicular cords were crushed safely, quickly, and without breaking the skin.”
“Is the procedure permanent?” asked another gumshoe.
“Bret will be back at work tomorrow,” said Jeneen Interlandi, health and science editor.
“A question for Bret,” said a third unidentified reporter. “Will you stay on Twitter?”
“Twitter is a sewer,” Stephens replied. “It brings out the worst in humanity. I sincerely apologize for any part I’ve played in making it worse, and to anyone I’ve ever hurt.”
Jeong closed the ceremony by instructing her colleagues. “Remember, there’s nothing more more tedious than media navel-gazing over so-called outrage mobs,” she said. “So get back out there and find me some more candidates. This is gonna be a weekly thing.”