‘Vermin’ organize after racists infest minor newspaper

The Sacramento Bee insulted CalEPA employees of color yesterday, alleging that rats are “infesting the courtyard” and the state worker daycare next door is “crawling with vermin.”

Gov. Gavin Newsom almost cried when he heard the news, and lashed out at “white supremacist” editors for using the words “infesting” and “vermin” to attack state workers, Jews, and even the African American CalEPA Undersecretary, Serena McIlwain.

“There are challenges at CalEPA, no doubt,” Newsom said, barely holding back the tears. “But people there are proud of their department. They go to work there, they care for their families there.”

“Anyone using the word ‘infesting,’ it’s about brown and black people,” Newsom said. “And when they use the word ‘vermin,’ it’s about the Holocaust.”

An even worse indignity was dished by a group known as Owls for Peace, who insulted the entire continent of Africa when they said “the vicious mongoose is an unreliable predator of the so-called rodents that are allegedly ‘infesting’ CalEPA and toddlers at the Mindful Miracle daycare.”

“The African mongoose is revered by many cultures,” said 2020 presidential candidate Vermin Supreme, who was called in to do damage control by the African Mongoose Protection League (AMPL).

“In fact, the noble mongoose will boldly attack venomous snakes like the Sacramento Bee Editorial Board,” said Supreme. “If we let a fleet of mongooses loose on Owls for Peace, it would be too good for them.”

McIlwain punched back twice as hard at the Bee’s “vile” white supremacy.

“Owls for Peace should be ashamed, and editors of the Bee must meet with Mr. Supreme to atone for their vile racism,” she said, escalating the War on Rats with an executive order approving a controversial form of rat poison.

The move led to a revolt by McIlwain’s own employees, who launched an email campaign to protect rodent families from concentration camps, medical experimentation, and unlawful execution.

“CalEPA is going to murder rat families with anticoagulant rodenticides because employees and their human children have merely been exposed to fleas, feces, and urine?” said a form letter signed by eight union members of SEIU Local 1000. “Our comrades in Los Angeles are facing extermination on a citywide scale. Please tell us this can be stopped!”

A copy of the letter to the State Legislature brought an immediate response. Prominent environmental groups wrote a bill banning the use of anticoagulant rodenticides statewide. The bill makes no exceptions for rats overrunning playgrounds.

Jennifer Fearing, one of the state’s most influential animal welfare lobbyists, fired a double-barreled email to Gov. Newsom and Jared Blumenfeld, his appointee who oversees CalEPA.

“Not even licensed professionals — like the ones hired by CalEPA to manage the welfare of rodents in and around its building — can be allowed to use poisons that indiscriminately target our furry and feathered friends,” Fearing wrote.

Less than a week later, CalEPA ended the use of rat poisons at the building, and rodent families in Sacramento — including some illegitimate children — celebrated by organizing a march to the nearest voter registration office.

“Thanks to quick action by friends in high places, even the lowest rat bastard can come out of the shadows,” said a statement by SEIU’s Rodent Action Task Force. “Never Again. Never Again. If we don’t protect voting rats, who will?”

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