HAMBURG (Reuters) — A supercomputer in Germany will have “human-level intelligence” within 5 years, experts say, and will definitively prove the objective superiority of Marxism and the existence of 57 genders.
“The central problem is the absence of objective reality itself,” said lead scientist Kimberly Philby of the Hamburg lab that houses the High Performance Computer known as “Mistral.”
“For instance, it’s racist to think that free markets were working fine for hundreds of years,” said Philby. “What we need to understand is why real Socialism has never been tried, and how it can definitely work next time.”
The supercomputer assigned to this task weighs more than one metric ton and contains 18,000 Intel Xeon 2680 octa-core processors. Experts say it will untie the infamous Socialist Knot with an idea so simple even Marianne Williamson can understand it.
“Since there are no objective standards by which we can judge anything to be better than anything else, we’re providing Mistral with an infinite set of competing agendas,” said Philby.
“Basically, we’re giving her a firehose of Twitter comments and the entire worldwide bibliography of Gramscian theory.”
Using a complex algorithm beautiful in its simplicity, Mistral is pitting trillions of virtual men and women against each other for the equivalent of 4.2 billion years of class warfare until something breaks.
That “something,” the experts say with confidence, will be gender.
“It has been beautiful to watch,” said Philby. “Our virtual society has resisted 1.3 billion years of Socialist ideology so far, but Mistral hasn’t yet told them that men and women are the same and gender is a social construct. After that, we expect their acceptance of 57 genders to be like seeing a false vacuum collapse in hypothetical space.”
Socialist workers parties across the globe are ecstatic at the news.
“What this means is we won’t have to murder millions of Europeans again in this century to enact our commonsense agenda,” said U.K. Labour Party leader Jeremy Corbyn. “Proving the Jewish god wrong is a bonus.”
U.S. Senator Bernie Sanders said, “It’s Communism 101 that some people are more equal than others, but that didn’t work out very well in practice. Now that we know everyone is equal, we won’t need Our Revolution to enforce it.”
Marianne Williamson, also an American Democrat candidate for president, said the news will give people unconscious permission to adopt an infinite number of genders. “As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence actually liberates others,” she said.
The news of Mistral’s pending victory comes only days after an American supercomputer found that men are better mothers than women after 45 months of continuous record-breaking calculations.