Science: Men make the best moms

Oak Ridge, Tenn. (AP) – It took less than a decade for the Manhattan Project to build the atomic bomb that ended World War II, and the Oak Ridge National Laboratory has scored another victory that could end the Culture Wars.

After 45 months of the most expensive computer time in the known universe, two of the world’s fastest supercomputers have found that men make the best moms.

“We started the search in 2015, when Caitlyn Jenner was awarded Woman of the Year,” said Jack Nicholson, ORNL director for computing and computational sciences.

“Now that Caitlyn and her girlfriend Sophia Hutchens are planning to have children, we’re proud to announce that — after our research — no one will dare to say terrible things about men because they might actually be women,” Nicholson said.

Jenner, 69, and Hutchens, 22, are both transgender, and the younger partner said the ORNL research confirms suspicions she’s had her entire life.

“I’ve wanted to have children since I was young,” Hutchens said. “Caitlyn will be the best mom in the world, but when she’s no longer with us my goal is to be the best single mom in America.”

The Oak Ridge Lab’s conclusion is hard to argue with. The computers that did all the work — Summit, the world’s fastest, and Titan at #2 — have Artificial Intelligence that can create smart software to accelerate the pace of history.

Summit contains 9,216 IBM Power9 CPUs, 27,648 Nvidia Volta GPUs, 185 miles of fiber-optic cables, and can store 74 years of HD video. The beast, which feeds on enough electricity to power 8,000 homes, allows researchers to apply machine learning to areas like climate change and gender bias.

“Everyone is on a journey, and Summit’s calculations prove that journey is wilder than anyone can imagine,” said Nicholson. “If you do one calculation per second, you’d have to live for more than 6.3 billion years to match what Summit can do in one second. And Summit tells us that men make the best moms.”

“Think about that the next time you’re sitting in your Malibu beachfront back yard wondering ‘what am I going to do with my life’,” Nicholson said.

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