Neanderthal: ‘Truly alarming’ sign of climate change in French Alps

A Neanderthal frozen in the French Alps 40,000 years ago joined climate scientists on an expedition in the Mount Blanc mountain range, and was shocked to discover a large pool of water at an altitude of 11,100 feet.

“I was here at the end of the last ice age when things were just beginning to thaw out,” said the former cave-dweller. “It’s truly alarming that this mountain lake isn’t bigger by now.”

Scientists admitted that in 38,000 B.C. the Alps and the Swiss Plateau were completely covered in ice and the Rhone Glacier reached all the way to where the modern-day city of Lyon stands now.

“But it’s still time to sound the climate change alarm,” said Dr. Maestro, the lead scientist on the team. “What’s truly alarming is that glaciers all over the world are melting at an exponential speed.”

The Neanderthal said the globe hasn’t warmed enough.

“Look, you pussies, I froze to death just a few miles from here escaping from a tribe of cannibals,” he said. “But here you are in your merino wool underwear and Gore-Tex parkas complaining that it’s too hot. Fuck you.”

Witnesses say the troglodyte would have murdered the entire team of scientists if Dr. Maestro hadn’t offered him a vacation cruise to Greenland.

Author: Huey P. Newsom

Huey P. "Navin" Newsom was born a poor black child who reported illegal immigrants to ICE before he wised up and invented the Sanctuary City. Today, Navin is the governor-in-waiting of California. As the leader of the Democratic Socialists for Self Defense, he plans to wall off the city of Oakland to protect undocumented immigrants from Darrell Steinberg's secret Nazi police force.

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