How to be not a racist in 2020

You probably think you know how to be not a racist. You’re probably wrong.

Why it’s important: As we approach the 2020 general election in America, it’s vital that we elect someone who’s not a racist. However, the rules about being not a racist have changed since 2016, so be sure to check yourself before you vote.

There are only three tips, so let’s get started.

Admit your ancestors owned slaves. A few years ago, anyone admitting this had to deal with a mob threatening to torch their ancestral home and dismember great-grandpa’s statue. In 2020, saying your family owned slaves makes you not a racist. So if there are no slave-owners in your family tree, be sure to fabricate some and let everyone on Twitter know about it.

Admit you hate Jews. If you don’t hate Jews, just admit you hate the only Jewish nation on the planet because the Jews have hypnotized the world. This is being not a racist because there’s a huge difference between a) wanting a few Jews to die in knife or rocket attacks; and b) wanting the country wiped off the map in a religious war that kills every Jew in Israel.

We left this last tip for last because it’s the easiest, and it should be difficult to be not a racist in the year 2020. But take heart. If you were unable to be not a racist by admitting slave-owning ancestors or anti-Semitism, this one’s for you.

Call Nancy Pelosi a racist and then deny it. Of course, it doesn’t have to be Nancy Pelosi, because you can literally accuse any white person of being a racist in your quest toward being not a racist. But singling out a white Democrat woman of stature makes you, like, quadruple not a racist. And don’t worry about blowback. Your reputation is safe from the rage-filled doxxing mob because everyone knows Democrats can’t be racist in the first place.

If you’re still worried that someone might think you’re a racist — or even worse, call you a racist out loud when you’ve already admitted it — the last, best, and final thing you can do needs no explanation.

So, there you have it. How to be not a racist in time for the 2020 election.

And remember: Friends don’t let friends vote for someone who’s white. So if you can’t vote for a person of color, don’t be a racist. Don’t vote at all.

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