The Prince of Wales has made history by issuing the 3,000th International Climate Change Ultimatum, imploring leaders of 82 countries still overseen by the Crown to act in time for his coronation on January 1, 2021.
“My mother won’t live forever, and Miley Cyrus said she’s not going to have kids unless we save the Earth,” said the heir apparent. “So I’m ordering the Commonwealth, the Fifteen Realms, and the British Overseas Territories to bloody well fix Climate Change in 18 months or I quit.”
According to experts on the Royal Family, the appeal has gravitas.
“If they don’t do what he says, Charles will abdicate the throne and move to the Falkland Islands with the Duchess of Cornwall,” said Thomas J. Mace-Archer-Mills. “Even worse, he has threatened to take the National Hedgelaying Championships with him.”
“The threat to hedgelaying could very well be the most serious in Windsor history,” said Mace-Archer-Mills. “His Royal Highness retired from polo a few years ago, but hedgelaying is his true passion. It would be a deadly blow to the Commonwealth.”
Miley Cyrus, who married in December 2018, thanked the Prince for recognizing her plight.
“We just take and take from the planet and expect it to keep producing. It’s exhausted. It can’t produce,” said Grammy-winner Cyrus. “We’re getting handed a piece-of-shit planet, and if it can’t produce then I refuse to reproduce.”
“The threat is real,” said U.S. presidential candidate Elizabeth Warren. “If he abdicates, white nationalists will spin up the British East India Company, colonize Africa again, start a war with the Dutch, and put climate scientists under house arrest or worse.”
“We need a Climate Jihad against the West or Britannia and America could rule the waves again,” Warren said. “We have to join the Prince and his 82 countries and strike now.”
United Nations Secretary-General António Guterres also supported the ultimatum.
“I have a plan to to kill large numbers of people who would have died already if the oceans had actually started rising in 1989,” Guterres said. “But we need to restore the balance of nature and ensure the survival of the human race right now, so I’m changing the timetable to coincide with the coronation in 2021.”