Climate activists reveal new ‘Plastic Bag Over the Head CO2 Sequestration Challenge’

Climate activists in 12 countries have died after participating in the trendy new “CO2 Sequestration Challenge,” but organizers say the deaths are good for Planet Earth.

“We thought about naming it ‘Off Yourself for Earth’,” said North American challenge organizer Star Pumé. “But too many other countries have different euphemisms for suicide, and blaming yourself for breathing did much better in the focus groups.”

Officials in The Hague’s International Criminal Court have declined to press charges against the organizers even though they expect the death toll to rise.

“Climate change is such a serious problem that anyone who opposes mass suicide to save the planet could be charged with human rights violations,” said ICC spokesperson Ekstere Vimem.

California Governor Gavin Newsom said the families of suicide victims could be denied life insurance proceeds for offing themselves with single-use plastic bags, but a legal opinion from Attorney General Xavier Becerra said the state would make a mass exception for challenge participants.

Environmentalist group Friends of the Earth announced plans to sue California and force challenge organizers to provide reusable plastic bags.

“We view the right to ritual climate-affirming seppuku as sacred,” said FOE president Erich Pica. “But we must protect the Earth from anyone selfish enough to kill themselves with a single-use bag. It’s just a bridge too far.”

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