Anti-colonial protesters tear down statue of President James Monroe’s wife

Anti-colonial activists protesting the Monroe Doctrine scaled a two-story structure and ripped down a statue of President James Monroe’s wife on Wednesday, according to officials in Los Angeles.

“America is supposed to be about moving forward so all races and ethnicities can be happy, not looking backward and celebrating colonial rule,” said India Piper, who witnessed two men use a hacksaw to remove the statue from its perch.

Los Angeles Councilman Mitch O’Farrell said the statue should have been removed by city union workers, but was glad to see the oppressive edifice gone under any circumstances.

“Looking at that statue every day made my skin crawl,” O’Farrell said. “If America is truly going to commit to equality, we have to stop celebrating oppressors like Monroe, who explicitly tolerated European colonizers.”

Correction: Fact-checkers for the Sacramento Brie have discovered that the vandalized statue was a likeness of actress Marilyn Monroe, not President Monroe’s wife Elizabeth. Also, the entire L.A. City Council — not just Councilman O’Farrell — approves of the destruction on principle despite the misidentification. We regret the error, but stand by the rest of the story.

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